1. "Our culture views power differentials as inherently suspect, even irredeemable. Power corrupts, we say, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Vulnerability in relationship, our culture says, is never safe. And so much of the cultural waters we swim in assert that safety can only be found when no one has power over you."

2. "The dynamic Paul describes is indeed vulnerable. He's saying, you hand the keys to your spouse. You, my love, can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and that's safe because I know you love me. Because I know you will only ever use those keys for my good."

3. "Our world prioritizes self-protection in sex. Paul encourages something which is vulnerable, but vulnerability made safe by love. Self-protective sex can only be so sweet because it's limited in its intimacy, but vulnerability in marriage made safe by vow-protected, unbreakable love is something so different."

4. "God has so constructed us that sex is safe and fruitful in marriage, but dangerous and destructive outside. God's design sex entrusts itself entirely to a spouse, knowing the safety of vow-protected love, and that cannot exist outside of marriage."

5. "True beauty is seen by the eyes, but it flows from the heart, which is what makes it imperishable, no matter how many birthdays you celebrated."

6. "When you are under authority, its weight is unmistakable. But when you're the one in authority, it is so easy to forget the impact you are having on those beneath you."

7. "Your husband will sometimes fail you. Jesus never will. You may feel unseen by your husband, never by God, who promises to use all things, even in your marriage, for your good."

8. "Your authority as a husband, your strength as a husband was given by God entirely and exclusively for the good of those under your care. And when you forget that, He cares."

9. "If your ultimate goal is to have a sweet marriage, it will disintegrate under the pressure of your expectations. Sweetness, union in marriage matters because it points to something greater."

10. "The sweetness of union comes through vulnerability made safe by love. When you come to Christ in faith, in one sense you take no risk at all because he and he alone can guarantee his promises. But I'll tell you what, it does not feel that way. Faith feels risky. It feels scary, vulnerable."

Observation Questions

1. In 1 Corinthians 7:3-4, what does Paul say about the husband's and wife's authority over each other's bodies, and how does this apply equally to both spouses?

2. According to 1 Peter 3:1-2, what is the goal Peter identifies for a wife whose husband does not obey the word, and what means does he say she should use to pursue that goal?

3. In 1 Peter 3:3-4, what contrast does Peter draw between external adornment and the kind of beauty that is "very precious" in God's sight?

4. What example from the Old Testament does Peter reference in 1 Peter 3:5-6, and what specific qualities does he highlight about how holy women "used to adorn themselves"?

5. According to 1 Peter 3:7, what two things does Peter command husbands to do in relation to their wives, and what consequence does he warn about if husbands fail to do this?

6. In 1 Peter 3:6, what does Peter say characterizes the children of Sarah, particularly regarding their response to "anything that is frightening"?

Interpretation Questions

1. The sermon describes the dynamic in 1 Corinthians 7:3-4 as "vulnerability made safe by love." How does this phrase capture Paul's vision for mutual authority in marriage, and why is this different from either self-protection or coercion?

2. Why does Peter begin his instructions to wives by addressing those married to disobedient husbands (1 Peter 3:1), and what does this tell us about the kind of situation he expects Christian wives to navigate?

3. The sermon identifies "fearful self-protection" as the wife's primary temptation and "oblivious self-absorption" as the husband's. How do the specific commands Peter gives to each spouse in 1 Peter 3:1-7 address these particular temptations?

4. Peter tells wives not to fear "anything that is frightening" (v. 6) and tells husbands that their prayers may be "hindered" (v. 7). How do these warnings reveal what is ultimately at stake in how spouses treat one another?

5. The sermon argues that the marriage relationship is designed to teach us about faith in God. How does the dynamic of "vulnerability made safe by love" in marriage parallel the nature of saving faith as described in Scripture?

Application Questions

1. The sermon describes how a husband's failure to "live with his wife in an understanding way" can trigger a cycle of conflict. What is one specific way you could grow in understanding the daily experience or emotional world of your spouse (or a close family member), and how might you demonstrate that understanding this week?

2. Peter calls wives to a "gentle and quiet spirit" rooted in hope in God rather than fear. If you tend toward anxious self-protection in relationships—through anger, withdrawal, or control—what is one practical step you could take to place your hope more fully in God when you feel vulnerable?

3. The sermon emphasizes that husbands are called to "honor" their wives as the more vulnerable partner. In what specific area of your marriage or family life might you be making decisions without adequately considering their impact on those under your care, and how could you change that pattern?

4. The sermon warns that not every marriage is currently ready for full vulnerability due to patterns of control, manipulation, or belittling. If you suspect your marriage may have unsafe dynamics, what is one wise step you could take this week to seek outside counsel or perspective from someone you trust in your church?

5. The sermon concludes that the sweetness of union with God comes through the vulnerability of faith. What is one area of your life where you are resisting vulnerability before God—trying to maintain control rather than trusting Him—and how might this sermon's teaching about marriage encourage you to surrender that area to Him?

Additional Bible Reading

1. Genesis 2:18-25 — This passage describes God's original design for marriage as "one flesh" union, where the man and woman were "naked and not ashamed," illustrating vulnerability made safe by love before the fall.

2. Ephesians 5:22-33 — Paul's extended teaching on marriage roles expands on the themes of submission and sacrificial love, explicitly connecting marriage to Christ's relationship with the church.

3. Genesis 18:1-15 — This passage recounts the scene Peter references where Sarah calls Abraham "lord," providing the Old Testament context for Peter's example of a wife who hoped in God despite her husband's flaws.

4. 1 John 4:16-21 — John's teaching that "perfect love casts out fear" directly supports the sermon's argument that hope in God's love is the antidote to fearful self-protection in relationships.

5. Hebrews 11:1-16 — This chapter defines faith as "the assurance of things hoped for" and includes Abraham and Sarah as examples, reinforcing the sermon's connection between the vulnerability of faith and the vulnerability of marriage.

Sermon Main Topics

I. Marriage Can Be Scary, But There Is a Better Way

II. Union Portrayed: Vulnerability Made Safe by Love (1 Corinthians 7:1-4)

III. Union Imperiled: The Twin Temptations in a Fallen World (1 Peter 3:1-7)

IV. Union Pursued: The Antidotes to Fear and Self-Absorption

V. Union Perfected: Marriage Points to Faith in God

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Detailed Sermon Outline

In the movie Runaway Bride, the character played by Julia Roberts, three different times ditches three different fiancés at the altar, unable to go through with the terrifying commitment of marriage, because marriage can be scary. At least it can seem scary. Spoiler alert, as you can imagine, she does get married in the end. Yet sometimes marriage can be scary for more menacing reasons. Author Gary Thomas has preserved a testimony given in 1987 by a New England doctor named John Barger.

Here's John.

I swaggered through marriage for many years, ruling my wife Susan and my seven children with an iron hand while citing Scripture as justification for my privileges and authority. After all, Scripture explicitly commands wives to obey their husbands. Years of dominating my wife and children left them habitually resentful and fearful of me, yet unwilling to challenge me because of the fury it might provoke. I alienated Susan and the children and lost their love. Home was not a pleasant place to be for them or for me.

By 1983, Susan would have left me, if it weren't for the children, and even that bond was losing its force.

But then tragedy struck. Their infant son died. And that horror stopped John in his tracks and eventually led to his repentance, which we'll hear about later. But for now, I want to begin simply by recognizing that marriage can be scary. It can be scary because of a controlling or dominating spouse like Susan Barger's or because of powerlessness when you shudder at the consequences of your bad marriage on those around you but you just don't know what to do.

It can be scary because husband and wife have different strengths. And too often strength is used not to serve but to coerce. Perhaps he intimidates her with his physical size. Maybe she's closer with the kids and uses that for leverage to control.

But more to the point for this sermon, which isn't mainly about abusive marriages, marriage can be scary and even a good marriage. Because everyone who has ever said, I do, is a sinner. Because of uncertainty, what other vows do you take in your life that have until death do us part as a part of them? A marriage can be scary because of the biblical commands for a wife to submit to her husband.

Now, our culture views power differentials as inherently suspect, even irredeemable. Power corrupts, we say, and absolute power corrupts absolutely. Absolutely. Vulnerability in relationship, our culture says, is never safe. And so much of the cultural waters we swim in, from its aversion to biblical roles of marriage to its skepticism even of gender itself, assert that safety can only be found when no one has power over you.

And yet, vulnerability is relationship. C.S. Lewis put it well, To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything in your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one.

Lock it up safe in the casket of your selfishness. But in that casket safe, dark, motionless, Dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken. It will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.

Harm? Isolation? Are those our only choices? My friends, there is a better way. In marriage, strangers become friends and friends become lovers.

Flesh, the Bible says, which means that in marriage, husband and wife are more than allies, more like an alloy, not a composite of two, but something new, union.

And to be in true union with another is among the sweetest of human experiences. Yet union is built not by denying differences in power implicit in a relationship, but by understanding and stewarding them, which means for a husband and wife in Christian marriage, the road from friends to lovers is gonna look different, present different temptations for each of them, and require different gospel resources. So how can marriage, which has such potential to be scary, in fact, be sweet? Beyond that, how can the power dynamics that make it scary be what make it sweet? And how can we learn from marriage what makes a relationship with God, which also starts as scary, to be eternally sweet?

That's what we're going to examine this morning in 1 Corinthians 7 and 1 Peter 3. Go ahead and turn to 1 Corinthians 7 now, page 971 in the pew Bible. This morning we're in the third of five topical series on marriage. So let me just share some listening goals for you. Some of you, by God's grace, are in marriages this morning that are going well.

Use this sermon to understand better why that is. Where marriage is a struggle, I hope to give you language for what's happening, if nothing else, to inform your prayers. For all of us, whether we're married or not, we'll recognize the dynamics I describe as true in many relationships, so note those similarities. And again, for all of us, use marriage as a lens to better understand faith, which we need whether we're Christians or not. So again, how can marriage, which has potential to be scary, in fact, be sweet?

To see that, we need to understand the nature of the marriage union in a fallen world. So, in these two passages, we'll see union portrayed, union imperiled, union pursued, and union perfected. That's my outline for our time together. Union portrayed, union imperiled, union pursued, Union pursued, union perfected. We'll begin with 1 Corinthians 7 and our first point, union portrayed.

In the first six chapters of 1 Corinthians, Paul responds to concerns he's heard about the Corinthian church. But here in chapter 7, the letter shifts to some questions they've put to him, beginning with one about marriage and a trial balloon they float in verse 1. It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman, right? Paul says no. And in these verses defends both marriage and sex in marriage.

Verse 2, But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband. And then our focus in verses 3 and 4, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Okay, these are verses that would have shocked their original hearers.

Not about the part of a husband having authority over the body of his wife that was commonplace and commonly abused. What was shocking was how Paul includes and even begins with the mere image. Verse three, the husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, because verse four, the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. That half was shocking to them. Of course, the whole thing is shocking for us today.

Right, how many couples in pre-marital counseling have read these verses in terror? So he can do whatever he wants, right, more sobering how often have these verses been used to coerce a spouse into unwanted sex, even abusively. In a moment we'll see that these verses describe something beautiful, not frightening, but first we must understand what Paul is and is not saying. Right? These verses are a robust, pro-sex objection to the Corinthians' ideal of a sex-free marriage.

So Paul isn't addressing a broken marriage, he's talking about how marriage should normally work.

On my back deck right now I have three blueberry bushes. Two of them are starting to flower. I fear something's wrong with the third. If you ask me what's wrong, though, I wouldn't say the problem is it's not flowering, but that's not a problem, that's a symptom. The problem, I don't know.

Didn't get enough water over the winter, maybe the acidity level is too low, something like that. And I'm not going to fix the problem by tying little flowers to the branches. Same thing here, right? Intimacy in marriage is a fruit. These commands in 1 Corinthians 7 are commands every couple must obey, but the way to obey them when things are broken is not to force the fruit.

It's to understand why intimacy doesn't feel safe.

Oh, so that means if I'm not in a mood, I don't have to obey these commands? Well, no. Right, sometimes intimacy isn't happening simply because busyness has crowded it out and these verses can be a good prod for our priorities. In addition, the words, I'm not in the mood, but I love you and I would happily give myself to you can make for a beautiful thing. But more specifically, if the vulnerability of intimacy is not safe in marriage, the way you obey these commands is not to use them as a club to force intimacy, forcing it can destroy a marriage.

Right, the verb Paul gives us here is the verb give. He's describing beautiful giving, not authorizing, selfish, demanding. The way you obey these commands is to work toward intimacy being safe. Not that all problems in a couple's sex life stem from that, but many do.

Now, our culture views sex as deeply personal, something I only ever do on my terms. I keep the keys, so to speak, to which I think we should be sympathetic, right? No one should ever be coerced into sex. Yet while these verses are entirely in line with that principle, they are the polar opposite of the self- protective view of sex our culture uses to safeguard consent, which I think is why we can find them frightening. And that's what leads to what's beautiful in these verses.

The dynamic Paul describes is indeed vulnerable. He's saying, you hand the keys to your spouse, right? You, my love, can do whatever you want, whenever you want, and that's safe because I know you love me. Because I know you will only ever use those keys for my good. So instead of standing against each other in self-protection, the dynamic of 1 Corinthians 7 is that we lean toward each other in self-forgetfulness.

Our world prioritizes self-protection in sex. Paul encourages something which is vulnerable, but vulnerability made safe by love. Self-protective sets can only be so sweet because it's limited in its intimacy, but vulnerability in marriage made safe by vow-protected, unbreakable love is something so different. Which is how sex is described from the very beginning of Scripture. Think about those closing words of Genesis 2.

Two, the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. Vulnerability made safe by love.

And of course, sexual union is a reflection of the whole of the marriage, which means this dynamic should characterize the whole of the marriage. Take communication, for example. Communication in marriage isn't mainly about information transfer. It's how you build union, right? True union requires self-disclosure, nothing hidden, which means that we use our words to make ourselves vulnerable.

For some that means careful listening, for others learning to draw the other out, but for union to be safe, which is also a goal of communication, We need to understand what makes it safe. Words of encouragement, affirmation, understanding. That same principle applies not just to communication but to forgiveness, our goal in conflict, our goal for physical touch, headship, submission, vulnerability made safe by love. That's a goal for every marriage. Honestly, it affects every intimate relationship, even if it's not as intimate as marriage.

Can that phrase, vulnerability made safe by love, help you to become a better friend?

But let me pause for two related implications of this. First is I want us to recognize that what Paul describes here, sex and marriage, is radically different from what our world calls sex. As Christopher Ash has written, God has so constructed us that sex is safe and fruitful in marriage, but dangerous and destructive outside. And God's design sex entrusts itself entirely to a spouse, knowing the safety of vow-protected love, and that cannot exist outside of marriage. Many years ago, I read a study out of the University of Chicago that identified the most sexually satisfied Americans.

Not swingers in their 20s, married couples in their 50s with one lifelong partner. That is so contrary to what our culture says, it is so consistent with scripture, right? Decades spent building trust, decades learning to know each other, vulnerability made safe by love.

Maybe you're a Christian and you feel like you've messed this up. You're not married yet. You look ahead to marriage and trepidation because of your sexual past. Have I ruined everything? That's where you need to recognize that whatever you experience, you did not experience what God calls sex.

So while your past sin may complicate your future, God has something waiting for you in marriage, if you get married, that neither you nor your future spouse have ever experienced.

And if you're not a Christian, I hope you can see that your world has lied to you about sex. Maybe your own experience has hinted at that, right? You've followed the rules society gives you: consent, respect, and yet you feel used, abandoned, disappointed. It's because consent and respect are important, they're necessary, they're not sufficient. What's lacking is the safety of marriage to protect the vulnerability of sex.

And if you begin to think the world has lied to you there, I wonder what other lies it's fed you that you've believed. Maybe it's time to give the Bible a fresh hearing.

That's one implication. There's a second which is important.

Not every marriage is ready for vulnerability.

Vulnerability is appropriate where there's safety and not every marriage is safe. Now, in one sense, no marriage is perfectly safe. We're all sinners. We'll talk about that in a bit. And every marriage needs a constant fresh air for confession, grace, repentance, and forgiveness.

But I'm talking about some marriages that are systemically unsafe, where vulnerability seems to only ever hurt.

Maybe one spouse is controlling or manipulative such that seasons of peace honestly overcome when they're getting their way. Coercion doesn't need to be physically violent to be evil. Maybe a marriage is too much like our Miranda writes, anything you say can and will be used against you. Maybe one spouse consistently belittles or demeans the other in their words or treatment. In a marriage like that, radical repentance by one spouse may be required before safe vulnerability is possible, which is why sometimes even marriage counseling is premature.

And I've used that word safe a lot. I use it with some degree of trepidation because of how our modern world has so twisted that concept, suggested that any criticism any disagreement is unsafe. I think we have to disagree with that, but that doesn't mean we throw out the concern entirely.

So if you have questions about whether your marriage is safe, by which I mean a marriage where vulnerability is most often protected rather than misused, if you have questions like that, I don't want you to answer them by yourself. Seek the wisdom of someone in this church you trust and use the rest of the sermon to answer an important question Does my marriage respond to vulnerability even in a fallen world like the Bible says it should?

Go back to our main topic. A marriage as God designed it, union, sweetness, closeness come from vulnerability made safe by love. The dynamic Paul describes here in 1 Corinthians 7, which means that is the goal of every marriage. It could even be a slogan for your marriage. Right, the Dunlops making vulnerability safe since 2001.

Right, not just friends, lovers, union, one flesh.

And yet every marriage falls short of what 1 Corinthians 7 describes, which leads to our next chapter where Peter, in 1 Peter 3, examines that same dynamic we saw in 1 Corinthians 7, but now consider it in light of the fallen world we live in. You're going to find 1 Peter 3 on page 1031 in your Pew Bible as we go to our second point: Union Imperiled. The section of 1 Peter 3 is written to Christians who do not feel safe, and in particular, they don't feel safe because they're under the authority of those they can't trust. The Roman government is where Peter begins, chapter 2, verses 13 to 17, Masters, relating to slaves, verses 18 to 20, and then chapter 3, a woman married, verse 1, to a man who does not obey the word. A man who isn't a Christian, or at the very least, isn't an obedient one.

Verse 1, Likewise, wives, be subject to your own husbands, so that even if some do not obey the word, they may be won without a word by the conduct of their wives when they see your respectful and pure conduct. Do not let your adorning be external, the braiding of hair and the putting on of gold jewelry or the clothing you wear, but let your adorning be the hidden person of the heart with the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. For this is how the holy women who hoped in God used to adorn themselves, by submitting to their own husbands as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him Lord, and you are her children, if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening. Likewise, husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way, showing honor to the woman as the weaker vessel, since they are heirs with you of the grace of life, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Likewise, verse 1, because Peter's applying the same lessons to this situation as to other instances of unrighteous authority. The woman wants her husband to obey God's Word. And sometimes what a proud and self-righteous man needs is not to merely hear the truth, it's to see the truth lived out by her. Verse 2, She wants to be attractive to him. She wants to make Christ attractive.

But Peter says, verse 3, Real attraction isn't external. It is verse 4, the imperishable beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which in God's sight is very precious. Wives, don't underestimate the value and power of your conduct. Your life preaches a sermon every day.

I find Peter's words here fascinating. He doesn't scold her for wanting to be beautiful. He affirms that desire by sharing the secret to real beauty. Braided hair, gold jewelry, clothing. He says, that's not how you get beautiful.

It's not gonna last anyhow. Right, a cruel, scornful woman is not called beautiful by anyone, no matter her physical appearance, certainly not in marriage. No, true beauty is seen by the eyes, but it flows from the heart, which is what makes it verse 4, imperishable, no matter how many birthdays you celebrated.

We could spend a lot of time here.

But I just want to pause and say, my sisters, I hate, I hate the messages you are soaked in every day of the week in our society that equate the worth of a woman to her sex appeal. It seems that our society has lost any sense of feminine beauty which isn't sex appeal. Church should be different.

So, my unmarried brothers, if your goal is to marry someone who is, you might say, godly and hot, you may well end up, at the least, to your eyes, neither. Cultivate a taste for what the Bible says is beautiful, and you will find the truest route to chemistry is character. And that's a chemistry that will only grow over time. But there's an obstacle to the beauty of this gentle and quiet spirit in verse four, and that's what we see in verse six, fear. You are her children if you do good and do not fear anything that is frightening.

In fact, using fear as the opposite helps us define gentle and quiet spirit, a spirit of strength and courage, a woman who perseveres in doing good, even good to this man undaunted by fear.

And to understand that, we need to understand this reference to Sarah. Sarah married Abraham, the patriarch of Israel. And though Genesis lauds his faith, it also describes a man who in some ways was a pretty bad husband, right? Twice he told her to pretend she was his sister rather than his wife, protected himself, but putting her in sexual peril with a foreign king. Husbands, don't do that.

Right? Sarah had every right to feel fear in following this flawed man, and yet, in Genesis 18, which seems to be what Peter has in mind, she calls Abraham Lord. A term of respect in that culture, even if it's entirely out of place in our own. And this happens at what must be the lowest point of Sarah's faith. If you know Genesis 18, she has just mocked God to his face by laughing at his promise.

And then when God confronts her, she lies to him. Don't do that either. And yet I think Peter is impressed that even at this lowest point, even despite Abraham's track record, she has this implicit respect for him. And that's that's notable. Sarah was married to a sinful, flawed, self-oriented man, and to some extent, every wife in this room is in the same situation.

That's scary. The fact that a wife is called to submit to her husband, verse one, to voluntarily yield in love, like we saw a few weeks ago in Ephesians five, puts every wife in a vulnerable place. If authority were perfect, if there was no sin, Well, that vulnerability would be fine, but in a fallen world, the basic shape of marriage tilts toward fear for a wife. That's scary. That cries out for self-protection.

And self-protection is so often what's behind anger, behind manipulation, behind withdrawal. It comes from fear. That's how union is imperiled for her. That's her temptation.

Sisters, do not let fear tell you, you must manage, outmaneuver your husband to feel safe. Fear pushes you there, Christ calls you somewhere better. And then there's the husband. Verse 7 is now addressing a different marriage because this man is reading God's word, he wants to obey it, his wife is still tempted toward fear, and Peter tells him how to make her vulnerability feel safe. Just as fearful self-protection is the obstacle to union for his wife, Peter's positive commands to understand and honor wife reveal the obstacle for the husband, not self-protection, but self-absorption.

I'm struck by Helen Rowland's cynical observation from her book that she wrote in 1903, When a girl marries, she exchanges the attentions of all the other men of her acquaintance for the inattention of just one. It's truer than we'd like.

Peter tells this man to live with his wife in an understanding way because that's not his natural proclivity. Same with the command to honor her. When you are under authority, its weight is unmistakable. But when you're the one in authority, it is so easy to forget the impact you are having on those beneath you, right? Not living with your wife in an understanding way honestly doesn't feel like that big a deal for many husbands.

It's a really big deal for her. So these twin temptations, fearful self-protection and oblivious self-absorption can be subtle. And yet so often when you trace where conflict came from in a marriage, This is where it's rooted. Let me just give you an example from my own marriage from many years ago. I'm in my office here in the church building.

Joan calls me to let me know the power is out.

I remember thinking, I wonder why you're telling me that. That should have been a clue something was wrong in me. I told her I hoped it would come back on soon and I just continued with my day. Back at home, we had two preschool boys at the time. They were out of control with excitement.

There was no hot water for our baby's bath, no power for cooking, that's her world. Then I come waltzing home at my usual time, aware of the outage, not really thinking anything of it. Joan, of course, had been hoping I would recognize how difficult things were for her and come home early, and now she's frustrated. In real life, she responded graciously, but it is so easy to see how things could have spiraled. She feels taken for granted and lets it slip out as a biting comment.

How come you never come home early to help with dinner? I, meanwhile, oblivious, walk in the door of my lovable old self and man, I am met with a completely unprovoked, unjustified criticism. Not wanting my wife to overreact, I carefully correct her. Remember, I came home early to help with dinner last Tuesday. Never say never.

Which comes across as, what, defensive? Because it is, which further convinces her that she's right, that I don't care, that marriage is rigged against her. And since I'm not getting it, she robs an even forceful critique my direction, which I parried just as forcefully, now simply assuming she's had a bad day and I'm bearing the brunt of it.

So who started our fights? I did, by not living with her in an understanding way, which fed her fear. She responded to fear, again, hypothetically, thankfully not in real life, with self-protection, going on the offensive. I responded by being defensive, which deepened her fear, and so we just flushed the toilet down, right? So much conflict comes from vulnerability ceasing to feel safe.

In a fallen world, the shape of marriage will naturally provoke a wife to fear. She will wonder whether the strength and authority God has given her husband will be used for her or without regard for her. And I hope you can see how even if that strength is never used against her, in a fallen world it still provokes fear if it's not clearly for her.

So husbands, think about other relationships where you're the one under authority, maybe at work, maybe at church. Consider what that is like and use that to help put yourself in her shoes. Couples share with each other what it's like to be on the receiving and giving ends of these twin temptations, fearful self-protection, oblivious self-absorption, and let this particular minefield in marriage appreciate, help us appreciate our Savior, for whom the vulnerability of the incarnation never led to fearful self-protection, for whom the glory of divinity never led to oblivious self-absorption, but an intense Focus on the ones he loves, which leads to the antidote to these twin temptations, point three: Union pursued.

Family counselor Donald Harvey has said that intimate relationships, as opposed to intimate experiences, are the result of planning. They are built. The sense of union that comes with genuine spiritual closeness will not just happen, If it is present, it is because of definite intent. You choose to invest and do. I think he says it well.

A sense of union will not just happen. In fact, in a fallen world, it will slide toward the temptations I just described. And yet, Peter shares some powerful tools to pursue union nonetheless. Again, we'll start with her, like Peter does. What is the antidote to fear?

Verse 5, It is hope in God. As 1 John 4:18 says, Perfect love casts out fear.

Knowing how to obey this command to submit to your husband, especially in the kind of marriage Peter describes, is going to take a lot of wisdom. But because the command comes from the God who loves you, you know it's for your good. You should never submit to your husband in such a way that causes or enables sin. That would mean not submitting to God. And yet that doesn't mean he's not sometimes going to lead you to some very suboptimal places, yet even there you can trust God's overriding purposes implicit in this command.

For how many of your besetting sins in marriage have fear at their root? Angry words? Escape? So listen to what Peter says. Put your hope in God.

Hope in God doesn't mean you're passive, yet your activity, speaking with him, seeking to persuade him, just like this woman here in 1 Peter 3, is seeking to persuade her husband, even if it needs to be drastic, is driven by love, not fear. Focused on helping him succeed in his leadership rather than insulating you from his leadership.

And that fearless love can be a startling transformative experience for a man. Right, your husband will sometimes fail you. Jesus never will. You may feel unseen by your husband, never by God, who promises Romans 8:28 to use all things, even in your marriage, for your good. It's that hope, that hope in the providence of God that leads to the courage and dignity of verse 6.

Not fearing anything that is frightening. But in submission, you're not ultimately entrusting yourself to your husband, you're entrusting yourself to your God through your husband. And a husband can help, which is the whole point here in verse seven, Husbands, live with your wives in an understanding way. Understanding is such a powerful tool to help make vulnerability feel safe. He doesn't say, Husbands, be perfect in your leadership.

Husbands never sin. He says, Husbands, understand. Let me give you an example. From the last job I had before I became your pastor, I was leading my company's growth business, which is a very optimistic, business-speak way of saying the one business that doesn't fit with all the other ones. So I was constantly fighting well-intentioned initiatives elsewhere in the company that made no sense for my team.

So one day, the CEO comes down to my office to let me know he's just decided we're gonna all move to this new piece of software that's gonna be a pain in the neck for my team. But he said, before we made the announcement, I wanted you to know that we know how much this is gonna hurt, we considered that, and we decided the benefits to everybody else are worth the cost to you. What a difference that little conversation made. Right, if he hadn't said that when the announcement came down, my team would have been livid. Right, here they go again.

Do they have any idea what it's like living down here? But knowing our plight was understood and considered, we can all understand when a decision doesn't go our way. Same in marriage. In my marriage, my ambition is to always have a little screen in the back of my mind telling me what my wife is up to, reminding me what things are like in her world. So I don't make decisions without regard for her.

So she feels known, understood, and as Peter says, honored. He says, Honor her as the weaker vessel. There are some who have observed that weaker vessel is like fine china, suggesting precious is a better translation here than weak.

I think precious is in view, but that's not what's mainly in view, right? Verses one to six didn't describe a wife's place as precious but vulnerable, right? Every wife is in the vulnerable place of having committed to submit to her husband. She is every bit his equal. That's what that phrase heirs with you of the grace of life refers to.

Yet she's vulnerable. What is a husband to do with that vulnerability? Not ignore it, certainly not exploit it, honor her for it. Or as Paul says in Ephesians 5, cherish her. Make her feel like what she really is, or at least is supposed to be, first in your affections, first in your priorities, first in your ambitions.

It's so easy for a wife to feel like she is the missing puzzle piece to your grand puzzle of how you want your life to be, and you are gonna force it till it fits.

So for example, my wife knows that I love working as your pastor, that I care for you deeply, which means it will be so easy for her to feel pushed aside and then feel guilty for resenting it because this is ministry. After all, so I honor her by prioritizing time with her, by working hard not to think about you when I'm at home with her, by skipping the evening meeting here and there, not because she said she needs me to, but just because it would be really nice. Brother elders, in what way do you need to specially honor your wives because of the role you play at church?

But again, all this can, to a husband, just kind of feel like extra credit. Nice to have, not need to have, which is why that last clause matters so much, so that your prayers may not be hindered.

Does God care that you are blithely uninterested in the details of your wife's life? That your disinterest makes her feel like a second-class citizen? That you make decisions without concern for their impact on her, you bet he does. I wonder if your prayers, husband, have ceased to be effective recently.

Could it be that you are living out this verse? Your authority as a husband, your strength as a husband was given by God entirely and exclusively for the good of those under your care. And when you forget that, He cares.

So if the antidote to her temptation, fearful self-protection, was hope in God, the antidote to his oblivious self-absorption is the fear of God, which motivates these two things Peter describes: know her, honor her, make her feel known, make her feel honored. That's how you make vulnerability feel safe.

That isn't to say that a wife shouldn't consider how to help her husband feel known or a husband shouldn't consider how fear of his wife compromises his love for his wife. Hope in God is good for all of us. Fear of God is good for all of us. Yet, given the power dynamics in a marriage, husbands have a special responsibility to make vulnerability feels safe, and wives have a special opportunity to respond by embracing that vulnerable place so that together they make a marriage sweet. And this idea, vulnerability made safe by love, matters in so many different relationships.

I mentioned the workplace already, it's also true in parenting. Having teenagers has taught me that I need to relearn some lessons I learned early in marriage, not now with regard to my wife, but regard to my kids, right? Not to make assumptions, not to jump to conclusions about motive, because doing so makes my authority as a dad feel uncertain and dangerous, like a Mack truck with a blind driver.

When you're under authority, fight fearful self-protection through hope in God. When you're in authority, Fight oblivious self-absorption by making those in your care feel known and honored because of your fear of God.

And our power to do this well comes from God, right? Hope in God, fear of God, it's all from him. Some actions that you may take in response will be contingent on a spouse, but that core posture is in no way contingent on your spouse. And then that is amazing hope. Right, maybe you feel you've beat your head against the same wall for years in your marriage and you have no hope anything will change.

But my friend, the source of your hope is not you, it's God. God is the source. He's also our example, right? God didn't just study us from heaven, he became one of us. In Jesus, he knows our experience in the most intimate way, what security that brings.

And what about honoring, what about cherishing us? What is marriage after all, if not God's invention to communicate to us the intensity of his love for us. The most passionate, the most committed marriage ever is just a shadow of how God loves us. Which leads to our final point because ultimately vulnerability made safe through love is a key part of how a marriage points us back to God. Faith in him is verse 0.4, union perfected.

Maybe you've noticed that already. Vulnerability made safe by love is such a good description of faith. Faith, Hebrews 11, says it's the assurance of things hoped for, the conviction of things not seen. Right? We can't see what we have faith in, which makes faith inherently vulnerable.

Yet because faith is faith in God and His unshakable promises, rather than mere wishful thinking, it's assured. Vulnerable, yes. And safe, right? If you demand to walk by sight, there's no vulnerability. If you are guided by self, there's no safety.

But fear in God is vulnerability made safe by love, which means this dynamic in marriage is perfected in. It points to the faith we have in God. Faith, after all, is how we come to know God. Right? We have all sinned.

None of us can atone for our own sins, just like two wrongs don't make a right. A right doesn't undo a wrong, at least not without violating the God who is just. What's more, justice demands accountability, and we have no excuse for our sin, which means for sins against God, the consequences are death and hell forever. So how can you be forgiven?

Not by doing good works, but by the grace of God. Right, in grace, God sent his son, Jesus, to die, the death we should have died to pay the penalty for our sin, and we receive that grace through faith. A faith that says, Lord, I can't see you, but I trust you. Faith that reveals itself through a life of continued repentance, Faith is how we come to know God and we learn of faith through marriage. And that's so important.

In my earlier sermons on marriage, I talked about how we so often value marriage for just the things it produces, like kids and sex and companionship and ministry, whereas the things it produces matter ultimately because of the one they point to, the one they reveal. And sweetness in marriage is yet another thing that marriage produces, but it's not ultimate. Right, if your ultimate goal is to have a sweet marriage, it will disintegrate under the pressure of your expectations. Sweetness, union in marriage matters because it points to something greater. Right, my faith in God is aided by my wife's Submission to me, as I see her content in a vulnerable place, even rejoicing in it, the argument from the lesser to the greater is a really hard one to miss.

Does that not lead me to trust God who's perfect in his love? And all the more since as I read here, the reason she's content is not because of me, it's because of her hope in God. A wife should be able to testify similarly. A husband's self-giving use of his authority pushes back against this world's lie that authority is always suspect, which helps her trust God's good authority. And that dynamic isn't only true of good marriages.

Though I do see women in bad marriages struggling to trust God, which makes entire sense to me, I'm amazed at how often I hear the opposite. When a woman sees God almost as a foil to her husband, when my question of whether her marriage has challenged her faith is met with incredulous wonder, how could I have ever made it through without God? Suffering has only strengthened my knowledge of His love. Oh, my sisters, if that's you, I praise God for such faith. I pray that I will someday have such faith.

So learn about faith from the dynamics of marriage. Your own marriage, your parents' marriage, the marriages around you all tutors in the art of finding in faith vulnerability made safe by love, the sweet fellowship with God for which you were created. Why would God use marriage as one of the Bible's main pictures of his love?

Because his aim for you is not the drudgery of a dutiful servant, but the joy of a passionate lover. So is faith uncomfortable? You bet it is. Is it vulnerable? Yes.

Yet the sweetness of union, be it in marriage or the union marriage points to, comes from vulnerability made safe by love. So why is the Christian life a like of faith? Faith that feels scary sometimes. Why did God let Joseph descend into that pit, descend into slavery, into prison? Why did God insist that Gideon take on the massive Median army with just 300 soldiers?

Why did God send a mere boy in to fight the giant Goliath? Why in Esther is God always behind the scenes, never showing his faith, never even called by name? Why did Jesus tell his disciples to feed 5,000 when all they had were a few loaves and fish? Why does he ask us to believe that an impoverished, outwardly unimpressive, crucified first century carpenter is the Savior and hope of our world?

The parable of marriage tells us why. The sweetness of union comes through vulnerability, made safe by love. When you come to Christ in faith, in one sense, you take no risk at all because he and he alone can guarantee his promises. But I'll tell you what, it does not feel that way, right? Faith feels risky.

It feels scary, vulnerable. And as Christians, we are used to justifying this life of faith by the glory it brings to our God, which is true. Without faith it is impossible to please God. But through the lens of marriage we see another and at times sweeter truth. The sweetness of the union comes through the vulnerability of faith made safe by love.

And I could tell you of so many testimonies of people in this room who have told me about how in the hardest points in life they found God to be the most sweet. Because every sense of control over life was gone. You had nothing to hold onto but God, and he held you.

I began the sermon with John Barger's confession. Let me finish his story. You'll remember how his pride and self-deception were confronted by the death of his son. He describes how staring at his dead child he began to realize what a hellish life he had made for his family. I found, he said, that the only way I could learn to love and to cease being a cause of pain was to suffer, endure, and strive every minute to repudiate my anger, my resentment, my scorn, my jealousy, my lust, my pride, and my dozens of other vices.

I began holding my tongue. I started admitting my faults and apologizing for them. I quit defending myself when I was judged too harshly for the important was not to be right or well thought of, but to love.

And as he grew to know Susan better, her intense vulnerability as a wife and a mother was a revelation to him. Women, he wrote, suffer these wounds far more often and with a greater intensity than most of us men ever realize.

It took three years of patience, listening, and growing in Susan's trust but he said eventually her anger and cynicism softened. Eventually he wrote they believed they were on the verge of a long and happy marriage. And then she was diagnosed with terminal cancer. And he learned in new ways what love really meant as he cared for her, sacrificed for her, and finally kissed her goodbye.

Yet as he saw his wife respond to his love, he said he realized he was learning about God. He saw how patience, listening, humility, service, and faithful, tender love transformed the vulnerable place she occupied from one that was oppressive to sweet. And he asked, Is that not similar to how we respond to God's patient, tender love? And the opposite was also true. He wrote, As we cannot lord our authority over women if we are to know them and grow intimate with them, so we cannot lord it over God if we are to know Him and grow intimate with Him.

A controlling husband teaches us nothing about God. A manipulative wife illustrates nothing about faith. But true union in marriage, true love, it speaks to our hearts of things eternal. My married friends, endeavor in marriage to pursue vulnerability made safe by love. All of us inspired by marriage pursue the vulnerability of faith made safe by the love of God and enjoy the sweetness of union with Christ.

Let's pray.

Oh Father, our sinfulness is so much deeper than we realize, but you're not surprised. We praise youe as the God who has in Christ forgiven us. Who loves us and who will love us to the end. Lord, we pray that you would help us to reflect on these things and to better understand your love for us as we pursue you in faith. We ask this in Jesus' name, Amen.